New Life LIVE: July 29, 2026

Brian Perez: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode. Hey everyone, welcome to New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, in the studio for just one hour today, so call in right now. The sooner you call in, the better of a chance you'll get on. I'm here with clinical psychologist Dr. Alice Benton and licensed professional clinical counselor Becky Brown, who is also the president of New Life Ministries. Welcome, ladies, to New Life Live. By the way, the phone number to call is 1-800-229-3000. Becky, what's on your mind to start us off today?
Becky Brown: We have a weird media cycle where some stories just generate and we're all looking at the same thing. It used to be years ago that you watched one thing in your little town, and that's all you ever heard about, or you got your local paper. Now, everything's connected. Last week's media cycle, I received so many links to this story about the question: Are therapists to blame for family estrangement? Maybe you had seen this article as well, but I was doing some research on this. I actually went back to some of our old shows, and just about a year or so ago, I was talking about estrangement on New Life Live. It's just amazing how we just touch all those topics that everybody's dealing with. Here's the thing. Many parents believe that therapists encourage the cutoff. They have an adult son or daughter who comes in, tells their side of the story, and about a third of parents believe that the therapist influenced the decision. Some believe that counseling labels parents as toxic too quickly rather than encouraging reconciliation. If you've listened to us long enough, we talk about the power of reconciliation and try to stay connected. There are lots of complexities to that, but culture has changed. There's a greater emphasis on autonomy, individuality, emotional safety, and increased awareness of trauma and mental health. Years ago, we didn't have all the words that we have right now. We don't have all the information that we do right now, and so people are making decisions based on what they're learning. Younger generations have different expectations for family relationships. Just last week, we had a caller who talked about this very thing, that her daughter and son-in-law had a new baby, and the shock that the mother, the grandmother, wasn't allowed to kiss the baby. That was a whole big discussion that we talked about. But here's the headline. Most therapists do not tell people to estrange. Our training is to be objective, to not diagnose the person that's not in the room, to not give labels to somebody who doesn't get the opportunity to tell their story. In many cases, this is what happens when there is a story of estrangement. It's not always a therapist, and if it is, we've got a different story to tell. Our role as therapists is to help clients recognize unhealthy patterns, to build self-worth, to establish healthy boundaries, and the decision to maintain or end contact is ultimately the client's. You might have somebody that says, "I do not want to have anything to do with my parents or my family." As a therapist, we have to help them settle what it is that is upsetting to them. It's very complex. I just want to encourage you, if your family is going through estrangement of any kind, you can trust a Christian therapist. But if you are not asking someone to help you, the estrangement is likely to continue and to get further and wider apart. We want to help you stay connected because we believe in the power of family. We believe that you can have healthy relationships. It may not look like the Waltons or whatever family image that you have in your mind, but we want it to be honest, true, and forthright.
Brian Perez: We've been telling you guys about the Hope Together conference. It's coming up in October in the Dallas area, and Becky Brown is going to be one of the speakers there. Tell us all about this conference, Becky.
Becky Brown: We love to partner with ministries that are doing the work of the kingdom. We have people that are helping people that will be coming to the Hope Together conference, whether they're chaplains, lay leadership, pastors, or group leaders. The reason why New Life shows up there is because we tell the message of life recovery. We are sharing with this group about the power of the 12 steps and the Bible. It's all connected together. We know that recovery is not just about addiction, and we want to equip these ministry leaders to carry that message on into their ministries. It's going to be available even online. So even if you can't come to Dallas, you can purchase a ticket so that you can watch wherever you are in the world. I know we've got international listeners, so come join us at the Hope Together conference.
Brian Perez: You can find out more and register at hopetogether.com. There's an online code that you can use until this Friday, July 31st, to register. It's NLM20, New Life Ministries 20. Use that at hopetogether.com to get a 20% discount. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. Let's go to the phones now. Remember, we're only going to be here for an hour today, so call. Here's Liddell, and Liddell listens to us on the One Place app. Thank you so much for calling in today, Liddell. How can we help you?
Liddell: I have my wife, so we're going to be on the call together. My wife's name is Aisha. We have a 24-year-old son that's back home from college. He won't work, and he's very forceful, and we know why because he's back home. He feels he's a man, so he thinks he can do everything his way in our home. We're trying to help him understand this is your parents' home, but you've got boundaries. You've got things that you need to listen to and do. But he forces his way. When someone asks him to sit down, he forces his way in their face. He wants to be seen, and that's kind of been him all his life, but it's just out of control to a place where it's frustrating the home. We're trying to maintain a godly attitude and principles with dealing with him because the ultimate goal is we want him to do right. We want Christ to be able to convict his heart, and we don't need to act out based upon how he's acting. One thing he did in college that he's kind of abusing now is he's abusing Adderall. He's not working now. He won't go to work. He just stopped all paying all his bills. He won't do anything. He just completely stopped. He says he's an actor, though he didn't go to college for this. He went to college for robotic engineering, and he says he's an actor, he's a singer, a screenwriter, and a fashion designer, and he just keeps waiting for people to give him a call for him to really get to moving in life. We try to give him a little space because he's dealt with a lot of rejection in life. Part of it's him trying to not honor what people's rules are, and then when he's caught, he always says, "I didn't do that," and that's what he's doing now.
Becky Brown: What have you done so far? Because he's been home, I assume he got home in June. Is that about right?
Aisha: He got home sometime in April, and he refuses to work. He's just frustrated. He dropped out. He's two classes from completing his degree. I thought it was one, but my husband says two. He's two classes from having his degree, but he refuses to go back to school. He was in school, he was working, and then he just stopped everything.
Dr. Alice Benton: Do you know of any trauma that occurred or a sudden fear, overwhelm about being so close? Do you know what happened with this radical change?
Aisha: No, because we keep trying to talk to him and he kind of shuts us down. He'll say sporadic things. I do think he probably has some type of trauma, but he won't talk about it. We helped him get an apartment. Well, we've helped him the whole time he's been in school and pretty much paid all of his bills. But now, and then he just left the apartment and refused to go back. But we still had the lease, and we had to pay for it because we helped him get it.
Becky Brown: You mentioned that he's using Adderall. Is there potential that he's addicted to it?
Aisha: When he was young, he got put on Concerta, which is a less powerful dose than Adderall. We took him off because we did not like the side effects, and we allowed him to be able to operate without it. He's very hyper, but he did. He operated without it for five years or longer. But he learned in college that some of the college students were taking it. When he started college, he wasn't on it, and he had a scholarship. He was doing well. But somewhere halfway, I guess the last year, he decided that he had some friends that were using it, and I guess they were telling him he was doing well.
Becky Brown: He's not wrong. There are a lot of people that use it and abuse it. I just think the timing of all of this is indicating there's a lot of anxiety that's happening. There are a lot of people that struggle with finishing well, whether that's college, whether that's marriage. There are a lot of different inputs there. You're going to have to have a family therapist. You're going to have to have somebody working with you all to support his whatever his state of mind is, but also to create a plan moving forward because this is a lot.
Dr. Alice Benton: I know you two are correct in wondering what is underlying this. You described a history of a strong personality, a little rebellious, going his own way, so that's been there perhaps all along, but it is heightened right now. He was performing well in college, so some of this is a surprise. When there's a sudden shift in performance, in his ability to show up, it usually is that signal that there is something underneath. You're probably going to have to use boundaries and leverage. I'd have you say that you realize as parents, you may have unintentionally enabled him to rely on you, to be overly reliant on you, because it's always helpful if we parents will take some responsibility for our side in it and think about were there other things you might have done that perhaps added to what he's struggling with. Start with a confession. Then let him know, "We're worried about you. We love you. This is not working for us. For you not to even be talking with us is not working, so we're going to need you to get help." Be braced that he's going to say no. He doesn't want it. He's rejecting all of you, but you need to ask. "Son, if you keep refusing to get help and you keep refusing to talk with us, we're going to have to restrict some of the privileges that you've been enjoying, and we're going to keep restricting more and more privileges until you're willing to make healthier choices." Liddell and Aisha, this may start as small as you're not funding things for him anymore, extra luxury things, not funding a car, not funding gas for him. Those sorts of things. We want to cause him some healthy discomfort so that he becomes motivated to choose this thing he's afraid of, which is therapy. Because I think he's hiding something. He's hiding whatever the big fear or the big struggle is. We may have to scaffold boundaries for some time because you've got a son with a strong personality. There have been times where I've restricted privileges with my kids and they'll try to wait me out. "I don't care. We can't go to In-N-Out? I don't care. I can't watch the movie with the family? I don't care." We might have to wait days or, for a son like yours, perhaps even weeks of "I still don't care" with scaffolding more boundaries lovingly but firmly. The ultimate boundary that I hope you will not have to use is, "Son, you're only welcome to stay in our home if you're willing to come for family help." Mom and Dad are getting the help too because we need to figure out how to handle this better. It's not all about you. You're not the problem person. We've got a family problem going on here. If you're uncertain of how to apply what I'm describing, I would love for us to connect you with one of the counselors in our network because scaffolding boundaries is difficult and it's scary. It can result in a rupture in relationship, but you know if you do not act, your son is spiraling, and he obviously needs help, but you cannot make him choose it. One last thing I want to leave you with is just a phrasing issue. If you tell him, "Son, you need to do this or that," the truth is he doesn't. He doesn't need to do anything. To recognize that, "Son, we can't force you to do anything, but we, Mom and Dad, we are going to act differently if we see that you're continuing to make these unhealthy choices. The bottom line is we want to get you help, and we're going to get help too because we all need it."
Becky Brown: It reminds me of Henry Cloud's book, *Your Desired Future*. He gives a five-step process. But the one thing that Henry starts with is vision, and I would say to you, Liddell and Aisha, your vision of him has to change. He is a 24-year-old man living in your house. I don't know that he's paying you rent. I know he left the apartment, but that is not even reality for an adult. This is not going to be a one-step and it's all going to be fixed. I want to lean into just that concept of for you guys to grieve what you thought was going to happen. He's one step closer to graduating and he doesn't do it, or you had a vision of what he was going to do in his future and now he's changed all of it. In recovery, we talk about acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. How do we accept who he is and create boundaries and create a vision for our future as a family? This is tricky, but we want to have everybody get the help that they need.
Brian Perez: We also have the *Doing Life with Your Adult Children* book in the newlife.com store.
Becky Brown: It is a great book, and Jim talks about how to manage. I think the big challenge is if you have somebody living in your house that was outside of your house, it changes the whole dynamic of everything. They're feeling the surprise part of this. They didn't expect that their son would come home and not do anything or that he would have a different plan and that they would be the one funding it. There are some practicalities that need to be walked through. Jim's book does cover some of the relational stuff. I really think that they're going to have to have that third-party person come in and give a structure.
Brian Perez: We can help you find somebody there where you live. Stay on the line and we'll connect you. Anyone else watching and listening, you can call us at 1-800-New-Life, and we'll connect you with a coach or counselor in your area. Some of these coaches and counselors meet online in case there isn't one near you. If you want to talk to Alice and Becky, 1-800-229-3000 is our number. Speaking of sexual integrity, we're talking about maybe addiction to pornography, maybe affairs. Every Man's Battle intensive is happening next weekend, August 7th through the 9th in Dallas. This is a powerful three-day intensive workshop for men who are ready to get honest about their sexual integrity issues, break destructive cycles, and rebuild what matters most. The workshop is not about shame. You might be thinking, "I can't go to this. I'm going to be in a room full of guys." No, it's not about that. It's about finally getting free. Imagine walking away with a clear mind instead of guilt, renewed hope for your family, strength to live differently. Join the thousands of men who have found freedom at Every Man's Battle. You can get all the details at newlife.com or call us at 1-800-New-Life.
Dr. Alice Benton: I was talking to a man who had just made a confession about a sexual integrity issue to a group of men. That's what happens at Every Man's Battle. He said, "I was carrying this shame and dishonesty and hiding, and I was so afraid to tell these men. But when I told them, I heard, 'Me too. Oh, I've done that as well.' And they loved on me. They helped me figure out why I continued to relapse with my sexual integrity, and they got me on a plan. Now I feel like I have a tribe, a brotherhood around me to help me." That's what you get at this intensive.
Becky Brown: I just talked to a couple of the counselors that do our Every Man's Battle intensive, and one in particular, they all do what's called sustained victory coaching calls following the workshop. So it's not like you just go and you don't have any help beyond the weekend. But one of the guys was telling me that one of his men has a 20-year sobriety run. 20 years. Think of the difference in his family, in his life. If you're struggling, and we know that there are so many men that are struggling with this, call us, go to newlife.com, go to Every Man's Battle. There are some people that will not identify that it is an addiction to pornography. They'll just say that they just look at it and every man looks at pornography. That's what they'll say. What I want you to be encouraged is that you know what you're doing is not helping your marriage, your life, and we can help you get into a better life. Or your future. If you're a single guy and you're thinking, "Well, I'm not married. I'm not hurting anybody." You're hurting your future spouse. All of the above. Call us. Go to Every Man's Battle.
Brian Perez: Let's go to the phones. Here is Denise listening on North Dakota radio, KNDR, in Bismarck. Hi there, Denise. Welcome to New Life Live.
Denise: I was listening and she said about how counselors are not the ones telling kids to estrange mostly. My daughter's 36 now. She had two children. She was struggling with anxiety, depression, which she's had as a teenager. When she came out of the clinic, they started her on some meds and she said, "Yeah, and I was told that maybe I shouldn't stick around with you." Anyway, down the road now for about a year and a half, she will not let me see the grandkids. She won't talk to me, won't answer any texts. I have tried sending stuff like, "You know, I would like to just go have coffee. I'll just listen to you for an hour now, not say anything." Previously when she'd said stuff, I had said, "You know, I did the best I could." There had been alcoholism with her dad, and he wasn't real good to her. Besides praying and I've got a lot of people praying, I don't know what to do.
Becky Brown: Denise, first of all, let me clarify something. It's not that all therapists don't do this. It's not most therapists. So it could be that she got poor information. It could be. But what matters now is the hurt that you're feeling, the grief that you're feeling, and how to reconnect, especially when there's not an open door there. What did she tell you the very last thing that she told you before she went no contact?
Denise: I had lent her some money, but I said, "I'll need you to help me for that money," because my situation had changed. It was helping me in the yard. She came one day and helped me without the kids, and then she just basically said, "Leave me alone." Prior to that, like I had been making okay money, so we'd go shopping, take the kids, I'd pay for most everything. It almost seems like when the financial situation changed, but I don't want to think she's that shallow. I mean, I know her husband struggled.
Dr. Alice Benton: Denise, I'd have you think about something. When you've given the best responses you had—"Hey, I did the best I could and your dad wasn't real good to you. I know that"—when you gave her those responses, I want you to think why might that have been painful for her to hear from you and why might that have felt unsafe for her to hear from you?
Denise: I think my saying "I did the best I could" is her thinking I'm diminishing her feelings, that I wasn't really hearing her.
Dr. Alice Benton: Denise, you're spot on. That's exactly right. As you have had to live with an alcoholic husband, you have probably had to try to minimize your own pain in order to survive this marriage. We do that. We try to push our pain to the side because we've got to do the dishes, we've got to take care of the kids, we've got to live daily life. So it's a coping mechanism that you have developed. We just hate the powerlessness and the hopelessness you must be feeling because you don't get to access your daughter and your grandchildren. So what can you do while you're waiting? Developing that emotional intelligence and emotional awareness and practicing hearing her pain and even your own pain better will set you up well so that if and when she comes back, you will know how to respond to her pain without minimizing it. And you probably need this too. If she were to say, "It was so scary having him for a dad, and I felt like you didn't protect me, you didn't stop him, you didn't leave him." I don't know that any of those things are true, Denise, but those are common things for a child of an alcoholic to believe and say and even perhaps falsely accuse you of. Rather than defending, rather than trying to point out, "Yeah, but Dad, he did earn money for us. Yeah, but he did stay around," being able to say, "Daughter, I hear you. You wish I'd protected you. You wish I'd left him. It was really scary being his daughter. Tell me more." This non-defensive listening that I'm doing, Denise, I'm just following the Comfort Circle which comes from the book *How We Love*. It's very difficult to do when you feel like you're under attack from your child who doesn't know the full truth, and she doesn't. She's probably not great at pointing out all the good things you did and the good things he did, because he wasn't all bad either. But it's being ready to be a non-defensive listener that gives you the best shot at reconciliation with her.
Becky Brown: Reconciliation doesn't look like what the old relationship looked like. It's going to be uncomfortable for a while. If it ever gets to a level of relaxed experience with one another, that's the miracle. But it is years in the making because you can't forget what you've already experienced. That break of trust, that betrayal from her towards you is painful and it impacts you. But that's why we're recommending you get to a therapist. We'll get you some connections there. On newlife.com, if you do a search on the word estrangement, we've got teachings there from a few shows that we've done over the years on this topic.
Brian Perez: Go find those resources at newlife.com. Just do a search for estrangement there. We've got Lashawn in Scottsdale, Arizona, watching us on YouTube. Thank you for calling in. How can we help you?
Lashawn: My question is how do I handle allegations that my daughter has made against my husband, her stepfather, of being inappropriate with her after she was kicked out of the house. She came back two years later and is making these allegations when I don't give her what she wants. For example, she cash-apped me and wanted $500. I didn't say no, I didn't say yes, I didn't respond. I got the most vile text message from her after a couple of days because I did not give her what she wanted. In helping her, because I told her, "If what you're saying is true, I will assist you. I will accompany you and support you in taking this to the authorities, because that is never okay." She did not do it. she made up all kinds of excuses talking about the statute of limitations, and these are her words. Sometimes going to the authorities can retraumatize the person. I'm saying to her, "Listen, you have to understand the magnitude of what you're saying here. You can't just throw things out like that and when you get mad, you get enraged and you continue to throw this out." I just don't know how to handle this.
Becky Brown: Have you and your husband talked about this? Because yes, we want to believe people when they say something has happened to them, and we want to go through the process of making sure they're safe. The person who's accused has been either convicted, which sounds very hard, but convicted or cleared. We just have to have some truth. Then the money thing that she's doing is a side issue, but this is the core.
Lashawn: Oh, yes. We did talk because I just told you we had a recent incident with the cash-app request. We talked about it again yesterday and the day before, and he just simply said, "There's a lot that I can say, but I don't because you are her mother. My concern is for you and the things that she is saying and doing to you." Prior to this allegation, my daughter had been hospitalized for suicidal ideations, going online, putting things online that honestly mimic or was pornography. Going on Snapchat, which is one of the reasons she couldn't have a phone, which became one of the battles in the household.
Becky Brown: How old did you say she was, Lashawn?
Lashawn: She is now 20, but she was two weeks shy of turning 18 when she had to leave the house.
Dr. Alice Benton: Does your husband have any history of criminal behavior or abuse?
Lashawn: No.
Dr. Alice Benton: And is he willing to cooperate with what you told your daughter you would do, go to the authorities?
Lashawn: Yes, I told him, "I'm going to stand by my daughter. I'm going to stand by my daughter if what she's saying is the truth." He said, "I understand, and I have to protect me."
Dr. Alice Benton: I've worked with families where the allegation was true and I've worked with families where the allegation was found not to be true, or at least it was unfounded. The best-case scenario has been when the accused, your husband, takes himself, goes to the authorities to say, "I've been accused of this, and I submit myself to whatever process needs to take place for you to investigate me." I would also recommend that he go and set up a polygraph test as further willingness to submit as much evidence as possible of his side of the story. How do you feel hearing that from me, and do you think he'd be willing to do that?
Lashawn: I thought about that myself, the polygraph part, actually. I thought about that and approaching him with that. I actually said it to her. I had not said it to him, but that has been on the table for me to address with him as well.
Dr. Alice Benton: His willingness will be telling. Granted, these would be frightening things for an innocent person to do, and so even if he's hesitant or scared, I wouldn't say that automatically means guilt. But he's already displayed a willingness that I admire when he said, "I got to protect me." Asking these things of him will give you very crucial information, and it might be terrifying information. So I would have you bookend that conversation with him with a check-in with a professional counselor because this is so complicated, or with at least a dear girlfriend who will give you grace and truth and help support you with whatever you find out from his response.
Brian Perez: Let's go to Joy in the Virgin Islands listening on WVPH. Welcome to New Life Live. Hello.
Joy: I'm just calling for advice because there's a lot of advice out there, but I'm looking for Christian. I have been blessed to be in a Christian courtship, which is kind of unheard of these days. I have done it the worldly way, which was not the way to go. So although feeling good about being in a Christian courtship, it hasn't been easy. There are some things that caught me by surprise. I knew going into it that different religions, like I'm non-denominational and my partner is Pentecostal, and so I felt that it was fine because we're both Christians. So I looked at that as us being equally yoked. But two and a half years later, I'm struggling really bad. They have a lot of rules. I stopped wearing jewelry, makeup, pants. You can't wear slacks, short or long, just not at all. I have nothing against the religion. I followed the rules, I did everything, but I just can't seem to, I'm just not good enough. I just can't meet his standards. I'm questioning myself how if I'm doing it for God or for him. I feel like I'm doing it for him because it's like the prerequisite to be married to him and he's a pastor. But I'm disappointing myself and God because God never told God I have a relationship with God and he speaks to me and I have received zero conviction that he's going to love me less or not answer my prayers because I'm wearing or not wearing jewelry and makeup and pants. It's just crushed my confidence.
Becky Brown: Joy, listen, first and foremost, you are loved by God deeply, fully, just the way you are, no matter what you're wearing. He is speaking to you, and that is where the difficulty is because you know that this doesn't work for you. In a relationship, we just did a marriage intensive where we talked about mutual submission where husbands and wives give themselves to God, and husbands are called to die, basically. So you're talking about an unequal yoke, really. You think that you're equally yoked because you both believe in Jesus, you're following God, and there's this big set of rules that's dividing the two of you. I would suggest that if you can, meet with a third party, whether it's a pastoral counselor not from the church that he's from, where you can talk about this and give him an opportunity to speak into it.
Dr. Alice Benton: Joy, I also want you to do an analysis. Are you projecting anything onto him, your boyfriend, that he's telling you you're not good enough, he's treating you that way? That may be how he is. He may be very controlling and very critical, and I want you to consider that. Perhaps you have a message of "I'm not good enough" from a long time ago. Maybe you were treated that way growing up. So there could be a mix of history colliding with the present, adding some confusion to the reality of the current situation. Look into that with a counselor.
Brian Perez: Joy, thanks so much for calling us today on New Life Live. We've run out of time. If we didn't get to your call, please we'll be here again. Call us then and let us know that you were on hold and that we couldn't get to you, and we'll try to put you up close to the beginning of the show when you call in next time. God bless you guys, and don't forget this Saturday is the Rescue online gathering. It's for women who have betrayal in their story. Something has happened to them. They've been betrayed by a husband or partner. This is created for women who need support, understanding, and a safe place to begin healing after that betrayal. It's about helping you find your footing again. You can get all the details at newlife.com or by calling us at 1-800-New-Life. For Becky Brown and Dr. Alice Benton, I'm Brian Perez, and we'll talk to you tomorrow right here on New Life Live. God bless you guys.