New Life LIVE: September 9, 2026

Brian Perez: Welcome to New Life LIVE. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we're going to be in the studio for two hours today, ready to talk to you about whatever it is you're going through: depression, grief, anxiety, so much. There are problems in your marriage, problems with your kids, whether they're still little or they're off and on their own. Give us a call. We'd love to talk to you about it at 1-800-229-3000. We've got clinical psychologist Dr. Alice Benton here today, as well as parenting expert Dr. Jim Burns, the founder of Homeword and author of the book, *When Your Adult Child Strays*, which you can get in the NewLife.com store. Alice, great to be with you today. Dr. Jim, what's on your mind to start us off?
Jim Burns: I love Alice days. She's so smart. I come home and tell my wife, "Oh my gosh, I learned so much from Alice." She goes, "I thought you guys were supposed to help people who call in." I go, "Well, that happens, but I take notes on Alice." Always a pleasure to have this fine woman here today. I actually did want to mention that a lot of times we get callers, rightly so, and they say, "My spouse is a mess," or "My kids are a mess." Sometimes they'll say, "I'm a mess." We want you to call in if you've got a spouse who's a mess or kids who are a mess. But I want to talk to you about you today. This kind of comes out of something that I've been thinking a lot about in terms of my own life. I can't change anybody around me. I can't change people in my family, and I've got a somewhat complicated family—it's not my initial family, but my extended family. But I can change me. There's a scripture, actually, and I think it's great advice. Paul said to Timothy, "Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness." Right before the broadcast, Alice and I were talking about the gym. I go up and down. I'm now on an up. I think I've done seven weeks in a row of like three days. I'll let you feel my muscle later. It's kind of embarrassing. I turned red when I said that because I'm so out of shape. But that's an important thing: discipline. Sometimes people think that's just hard work, but discipline helps you become a better person to handle whatever is coming your way. There's a story in the Bible, and I think this is an example of Jesus. It's in Luke 6. Jesus went away in prayer, and then he came back and had community with his disciples, and then he did ministry. For me a lot of times, I'm thinking about my family. I mean, I do ministry. That's what I do all day. But I think we need to be able to make sure that we live and pattern ourselves like Jesus. I think we'll be better off with whatever our issue is. I'm not saying it's magic, but I am saying it'll help you get to where you want to be. I want you to imagine a wagon wheel for a moment. A wagon wheel has three parts. This is very simple, by the way. It has the center part, it has the spokes that go to the wheel, and then it has the wheel. The center is that Jesus took time to have solitude. How is your solitude? If you took five minutes a day, if you took ten minutes a day, and you spent time with God on your own—Alice has a great book on just doing a small devotion. It doesn't take long, but it gets you focused. Do you take that solitude time? And then when you look at the spokes, Jesus came back and had community. So he had solitude, and then he had community. Do you have replenishing relationships? Are you leaning into people who build you up, who are your very important people that just help you be you in a good way? Or is it just draining people? Also, the last one is the wheel. That's where you do your life work, your mission, your calling, whatever that might be. You do better when you do it with solitude and when you do it with community. That's my thought for the day.
Alice Benton: And if you're an introvert like me, are you willing to push past your discomfort to engage with other people on a really intimate level so they can know you and you can know them? We can help you with all that and so much more. Grab an open line. We're going to be here for two hours at 1-800-229-3000.
Brian Perez: If you're watching us online right now, the number's right there on the bottom of your screen, and we'll get to your calls in just a moment. I want to let you know about Covenant Hills really quickly. For over 30 years, they've helped men and women find lasting freedom from addiction through Christ-centered, clinically excellent care. With gender-specific programs, they offer residential treatment, day treatment, and ongoing support that heals the whole person: body, mind, and soul. If you or someone you love is struggling, here's the number to call for Covenant Hills: 1-800-NO-ABUSE. Or you can visit the Covenant Hills website, covhills.com. All right, if you can't call in when we are in the studio, we've got a couple of other ways that you can get your question to us. You can send us an email or leave us a voicemail, and the instructions on how to do that are on our website, NewLife.com/radio. Here is one of the emails that we recently received. It is from Susan in Sweet Valley, Pennsylvania. She asks: "Should I wait for my daughter to make the first move so that we can have a relationship?" Susan says, "I have a 46-year-old daughter, and we can't seem to find some peace between us. There have been problems since I moved to Pennsylvania. She resents that I had the nerve to leave New York and leave her. Over the last three to four years, things have deteriorated a great deal. I used to go to New York in the summer for a week and spend time with them, and it was great. Then my husband's sisters got sick one after another. One died about two years ago, two weeks before Christmas, and I didn't feel right about going to New York. My daughter has not forgiven me for not going to New York and has great hostility toward my husband. Then my husband's other sister had a stroke and could no longer live alone, so she moved in with us and I took care of her. My daughter has not visited me in three years. I feel as though she is not the same child I raised. She is always right, and I'm always wrong. She only texts me, no phone calls. The only way we connect is if I make the effort. She stresses me out and is causing me to have health issues from my autoimmune diseases. My pastor says to not have any contact with her unless she makes the first move. Basically, we have a very toxic relationship, and I'm at a loss. I keep in contact with my grandsons because they have their own phones." Jim, this is kind of right up your alley on estrangement. What would you offer to Susan?
Jim Burns: I don't think there are easy answers, Susan, for this. It sounds like there's still some communication, just toxic communication. I think there's sometimes a difference between a toxic relationship and an estranged relationship where there's no contact whatsoever. I see what your pastor is saying. Your pastor is saying to let her make the move. I think you make the move by leading in love if you're going to do that. As a parent, you lead. But I don't think you lead by trying to make it right at the beginning. I think what your job is to do is to mend this relationship somehow. Even if—and this is going to sound crazy because I don't think it's all your fault, I think your daughter's being kind of selfish from what you wrote—but I think it's important to say, "You know what? I'm sorry that you feel this way because I would love to be with you and, of course, I love being with the kids and I love your kids and we connect." I would say, "I'm sorry you feel this way. It really isn't just about my husband. It sounds like that's not her dad. But we had these sick people, and I felt I needed to do that. That doesn't mean I don't want to be with you, and I'm sorry if you feel that way. What if we did get together? What if I came up for the weekend and I spent some time with you?" At that time, Susan, I'm going to suggest that you don't do the "you're wrong and I'm right" stuff. I'm not saying you do, but that makes you safer. Then all of a sudden, maybe she misses that. I was with a woman yesterday. My wife and I had dinner with her, and her boys have been estranged from her. I had suggested that approach, and the boys have come through because the mom just simply quit trying to make it right or tell them what they're doing wrong. And they're doing a lot of stuff wrong. Now the boys have come through, and it's actually getting better, especially with one of the boys. So I think you tip-toe into it. I wouldn't go to no contact, but I would say, "Hey, I'm open to having a conversation anytime and I would like to come." How sad that she's not coming your way, but at this point, Pennsylvania and New York are not that far away from each other. Maybe you try to do a weekend and make it a fun weekend. Have some fun together while you do that. She sounds like she's going through a lot of stress.
Alice Benton: Susan, in addition to what Jim said, I'd have you think about her history growing up with you. You are a giver. You brought your sister's husband into your home and cared for her. So your generosity, in a weird way, might have been tough for her to grow up with if you were tending to a lot of other people. Of course you tended to your daughter, but maybe she felt a little overlooked or a little neglected, especially if she was doing well enough for you to keep giving to other people. She looks so obviously wrong on the surface. How could she be so self-centered and mad that you're taking care of someone else? It's important to try to enter into our children's experience, to see from their eyes, and that can sometimes help us have a little bit more compassion when she seems so wrong. As a mom, you would want to redirect her. You want her to see that what you do is really good, so she shouldn't be mad at you for it. But there might be a legitimate reason it rubs her wrong. Maybe it's not you. Maybe it was her dad that neglected her, or maybe her husband neglects her. Unfortunately, if you're the safer parent in her life, you might get projected onto what other people have done to her. So I wonder if your pastor's advice is based on the good cleanup work you've already done. Maybe you've already apologized for how the move hurt her. The next step, if you haven't done this yet, I would say is to ask, "Will you tell me about times in our relationship that you felt I overlooked you and maybe tended to other people more than I tended to you? Maybe you needed more of me. I want to listen to this." Now, whatever she says, it might not be accurate. It might be more of that projection. It might be exaggeration. But imagine that her hurt is coming from some legitimate place that may have to do with you—probably does a little bit—or may have to do with other people. You can be part of God's healing process if you take this humble approach that Jim is describing for you. Separate from that, if you haven't called out her selfishness, that might be a good thing to do. But I would say the primary goal is to try to love her well in this injury that she seems to have. Then one last thing: if she mistreats you, it's important to point out, "I don't think it's good for our relationship when you complain in a repetitive way about how I'm taking care of my sister-in-law. So I can hear one minute of that if you can do it in a respectful tone of voice. But if you keep going at that, I'll have to end our conversation if you won't stop. That's just not good for our relationship." That's just one example, Susan, of setting a boundary where we shouldn't let people mistreat us, but we should wonder, "Have I made a mistake that added to this child's hurt, because of which she's kind of acting out?" If we can get to the hurt, we can help heal the acting-out behavior.
Jim Burns: I love what you just said. I think it's important for Susan to understand that she can get to that place. It may take, instead of one meeting, several meetings to earn the right to be heard. Susan could be as right as right can be, but there's a time when we just have to sit and listen. Listening is the language of love. Moms and dads, we need to be good listeners. Sometimes we are and sometimes we aren't. Sometimes we just want to tell them what's right. My daughter wants to find her life. Well, just come in, I've got five minutes and I can tell you how to live your life and who to marry and what to do. Well, that doesn't work, as much as I may even be right on some of my thoughts. Just listening and saying, "I can see how you feel that way." But you've got to get to the bottom of it. I think there's some projection going on, probably. If she's projecting some of the other hurt now on her mom, her mom's maybe a little safer than some of these other people.
Alice Benton: My children complain that they don't get enough time with me. It's easy to stand on my soapbox and point out, "I work really hard for you people, and I'm off helping people, so I have justification for why I do what I do." But if I want better relationship with my kids, asking them, "Tell me what it's like that you don't get enough time with me," is better. I don't have to agree with what they say, but that willingness to have prolonged listening heals our relationship more than me justifying myself or correcting them. Those things are necessary as well at times, but listening goes so much farther in relationship than correcting them.
Jim Burns: If we are correcting to change the relationship, that kind of doesn't work when your daughter's 46 years old. With the age of younger kids, of course we correct. But if it's a constant that we're correcting—and I'm not saying Susan is doing that—a lot of us get in that habit. We want to help them, so what we're going to do is correct them. We're going to criticize them because then they're going to go change. They don't want to hear that a lot of times. We haven't earned the right to do that yet.
Brian Perez: One line that stood out to me in Susan's email is, "My daughter always says she's right and that I'm always wrong." You guys mentioned that it's good to approach the conversation with Susan not telling her daughter all the ways that she's right, but it looks like Susan's daughter might already be pointing everything back at Susan. Susan just has to sit there and take it all the time when she can't really express what's going on.
Jim Burns: What I love about what we were talking about is that we do have to set some boundaries. If it's going too hard, you say, "You know what? I don't feel comfortable in this conversation right now. I sure want to have a relationship with you, but I don't know that I deserve all of that." Notice that I didn't even say, "And you're wrong for doing it." You're just simply setting up a boundary. That's healthy. It also teaches them how to communicate in a more effective way. It's a good communication skill to have, and yet it's really hard because we want to tell our kids where they're wrong and how we're right.
Alice Benton: If they start accusing you of being an avoider, that you never want to talk about this stuff and you just walk away as soon as I start bringing this stuff up, I think there too there is a call for introspection. "You know what? I'm going to consider what you're saying, but that tone of voice is not working for me right now. But I can come back to this conversation if you feel like I'm always avoiding. I'd actually like to hear more about that. I'm willing to look into it, but I need a soft tone of voice to be able to hear what you have to say. So I'm putting a stop to this for now."
Brian Perez: Susan, as Jim has mentioned before in his book, *When Your Adult Child Strays*, you're not alone. The statistic is 27% of people in a family are estranged. Susan's in a more toxic relationship, so that would add to that. It's probably even more when you start adding estrangement with just the toxic way that her daughter is treating her. Might it be a good idea, and we don't know how old the grandsons are, but could Susan just tell her grandsons, "Hey, say hi to your mom for me"? I mean, she does text. They do text back and forth. Should she get the grandsons involved at all to kind of put in a good word or for the grandsons to tell their mom, "Hey, why haven't you reached out?"
Jim Burns: If Susan loves her grandkids like I know she does, and she does a good job, they will tell the mom anyway. So you don't want to probably triangulate this thing. But when it comes to just loving—a lot of times the way back to a child's heart, the way back to an in-law's heart, is through the grandkids. The grandkids are like, "I want to see Grandma. Grandma just sent me an Amazon card. She's so great. I've been talking to her about something." I don't think Grandma has to even be talking about the mom as much. They'll do the job for you a lot of times if you do it right.
Alice Benton: I think I'd be cautious, maybe even avoid trying to send messages through a third party. If you're trying to get a better balance in relationship, it tends to work better to go directly to the person you have the issue with. Because they do have communication, I would want Susan to try that first before trying to go through the grandsons for it.
Brian Perez: Susan, thanks for emailing us through NewLife.com/radio. We've got a webinar coming in October that Dr. Jim Burns is hosting. It's called Doing Life with Your Adult Children on October 15. Get more details about it at NewLife.com. You can also call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE and we can get you set up for that. We're going to be in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next, so call in. Darlene, you'll be the first call we get after the break. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. Again, that's 1-800-229-3000 to speak with Doctors Alice Benton and Jim Burns. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us for the next two hours here on New Life LIVE. Darlene from Miami, Florida, thank you so much for calling into the show. You are on with Doctors Alice Benton and Jim Burns. How can we help you today?
Guest (Female): Hi there. I am just calling because I have a hard time making an actual question out of what my circumstances are. We just moved across the country into an area where my husband grew up, so we're in my in-law's territory. I have no family here or anything. We haven't necessarily had a lot of communication from them, only when they've come to visit, which was like once or twice a year. Anyway, I am having a hard time with my mother-in-law particularly. For example, my husband's cousin and his sister don't speak to me because she has kind of told them that I need to talk to her first in order to have a relationship with them, like I need to mend things with her. We have three young children and everything, so I would like to get a little bit of a babysitting break when I can, but I also have a hard time trusting her. I know she's my husband's mother and I don't want to be like, "You need to stop talking to your mom," and get in the middle of that situation.
Alice Benton: Darlene, do you know what she's referring to when she says you need to mend it first?
Guest (Female): She has brought up a bunch of instances that could be spun both ways, that we were both wrong in the situation. For example, my kid only liked to eat mac and cheese at a certain age and that's just what they wanted to eat. She kind of viewed that as negative, like, "Oh my gosh, why is your kid only eating mac and cheese?" Then we kind of had a talk about that viewpoint. I talked with her about it and was like, "That's just what she likes right now and that's what she's eating, and I want to make sure she's fed. Please don't be talking to my other family about it, like gossiping about how my kid only eats mac and cheese." Then she's like, "I wouldn't talk about her like that," and such things. It's a very hard situation. She's basically gossiping about me to my other family that is down here, my husband's side of the family. I feel very kind of like the black sheep, if you will. Then she's telling my husband that I need to go and get therapy because there's something wrong with me.
Alice Benton: So she's opinionated and critical of you and not afraid to talk about it with you and other people. How disheartening that you move back to his home area expecting and hoping for positive relationship with them, and you're not even getting the babysitting help that you were hoping for and you don't really feel emotionally safe with her. What's your husband's role? How has he reacted to your concerns?
Guest (Female): He had a sit-down talk with them, and that's kind of when she went along the tangent of me needing to go to therapy because there's something wrong with me, like I can't maintain a relationship. So then she's going to my old friends, my old family that I've kind of separated my relationship from, and saying that something's wrong with me because I can't maintain a friendship as well.
Alice Benton: And I would guess the reason you separated from some of those relationships was perhaps because those people mistreated you?
Guest (Female): Yes.
Alice Benton: This is a complicated situation with your mother-in-law. When she was confronted, she just put more blame onto you: you're the problem and you need to be fixed. I think she's the older party and therefore should act more mature about it, but she's not. Is your main question for us whether or not you should be the next one to try to mend the relationship?
Guest (Female): Yes.
Alice Benton: Have you taken any move on your part to address what she claims to be your side of this with her?
Guest (Female): No, I have not. I have not talked to her because I'm concerned that it would escalate in a negative way.
Alice Benton: That seems quite likely because that's been her history. So I'd have you prayerfully prepare to share some of your hurts with your mother-in-law. The reason I said prayerfully is because I don't think it will go well. I don't think she has the humility to receive from you the things that actually belong to her, that she tends to gossip and she's too negative. But God may be calling you to be vulnerable and to point out this hurt to her. I'd have you be ready to ask for what you need from her but not expect to get it. She may not be capable of being the safe person you want to be in relationship with. If she doesn't respond well to you gently pointing out what is hurtful about relationship, sharing an example or two and then telling her what you want from her so you two can be closer—I would frame it that way. "I want you more involved. I want you with my kids more. I've got to say I'm a little hesitant because it does feel like you often bring up critiques about my parenting, and that makes it hard for me to be with you. So I want this to be better." I don't think she can hear it, but we are still often called to do things that don't have worldly success, but it may plant a seed. Then I'd say you might have to give up that hope for her to be your go-to babysitter.
Jim Burns: There are some practical things there, Darlene. One is don't have her babysit if she doesn't have that nurturing desire. Truly find somebody in your church, find somebody else to do it. I realize she's free and somebody else is going to cost a little bit, but I think that's what you do. Don't jump into the pile if there's a pile going on. I think what Alice is talking about is something I call "protect and honor." You've got to protect your own family, you've got to protect yourself, and your husband does too. How—I know he sat down with her—how did that go? Did he just have to hear more critique of Darlene, or could he get through to her and say, "Hey, this is my wife and I want you guys to have a good relationship. I truly do. But our child is going to eat macaroni and cheese probably for the next two years, and that's all we've got. I'm with her on that." Does he stand up for you?
Guest (Female): Yeah, so basically she made more critiques and more kind of tried to stir up more strife in my life, saying my mom told her things that were lies. Then he's like, "Yeah, she's my wife and I'm going to take her side no matter what, and I do have a problem with you, Mom."
Jim Burns: So he stood up for you. Good for him. It's hard because a lot of times when the mom of the son realizes that now there's a new girl in town, that would be you, they get jealous and they act weird, not rightly so. They haven't relinquished their place in their son's life yet. That's hard. So what he has to do is stand strong and say, "She's my girl. I'm standing beside her on this." But I think he's going to have to do some of that heavy lifting too. Protect and honor. Protect means that maybe you don't have her do the babysitting. The hard part is when she's saying you need therapy and all that. We all need therapy at times, so I don't know what that's all about. But the point being is if you're going to ever build the relationship, you'll mend it by showing her honor, but again, she'll never be that mentor that some of us have. My wife's mom was my wife's mentor in a really cool way. That's unique. That's not the norm. That's probably not going to happen here. So you'll have to find some of those other wise, God-honoring people, maybe from your church again or some place. You're in her territory now. You weren't in her territory before you moved, and so you probably didn't take all that into consideration. It sounds like you also have some trouble with your own family. Is that right? Are there some issues with your own family in terms of that?
Guest (Female): Yeah, I have had to cut off a couple of my cousins because some stuff happened when we were younger and they think that I'm lying about it.
Jim Burns: Are you talking about abuse?
Guest (Female): Yes.
Jim Burns: That's always very hard, but you're doing the right thing. I'm not one who's big on no contact unless it's physical abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, things like that. So you're doing the right thing with that, but that's hard. What about your own mom?
Guest (Female): My mom's great. She's very helpful. She's been down to visit already and everything, so we have a pretty good relationship.
Alice Benton: Darlene, the Bible says there are wise people and fools. The wise people are the ones who will receive feedback about themselves and say, "Oh, I didn't realize I was treating you that way. Let me make an adjustment there because relationship is important to me." The fools are the ones who say, "Yeah, but you," and they do the blame-shifting and they are unable or unwilling to take a look at themselves. Unfortunately, some of the fools are the ones that we have familial relationships with, and so we still have to be around them at times. So it's important to limit our exposure to them and their bad behavior as much as possible. I had a couple of people in my life who I had to have similar conversations with. "It hurts me when you treat me this way. Are you willing to change?" And some of them said, "No, I'm not willing to change." That's really painful. Okay, now I know that I'm going to have little to do with you unless I see a softening in you. Your job, Darlene, is to lament that that relationship we had high hopes for cannot be the healthy version that we want, at least at this time. But it also is good to take a look at yourself. Are you exacerbating any of these problems with her because you're too avoidant, because you maybe cut people off too quickly? Take a look at her complaints to see if there's any sliver of truth that God's trying to bring to your attention.
Guest (Female): I really appreciate that feedback.
Brian Perez: We know there's a lot, and it's a lot to take in. We archive all of our episodes on Facebook, YouTube, and Spotify. You can go back and listen later and take notes.
Alice Benton: It's so important, Darlene, for us to have healthy family around us. Jim was talking about that balance earlier in the show about times of isolation and times of deep connection with other people. It's tragic when our families or our in-laws cannot be our safest people that we have in our inner circle. God promises to put the lonely in families, but often it's spiritual family, not biological family. So I'm glad your mom is an exception. But if your mother-in-law's unwilling to look at her part in this, then unfortunately, limiting your exposure, it actually both protects your heart and it gives you a better chance of showing up in a friendly, genuine way when you do have to be in her presence.
Brian Perez: It's so crazy because the older people get, you would think they would become more wise, more mature, and instead we get Darlene calling in saying, "Hey, my mother-in-law is being all these things." You would think that that would be almost like a safe relationship because here's a person who's been around for a number of years and that they've grown through all these things, but apparently not sometimes.
Guest (Female): It's kind of like I'm back in high school again, where I avoid the most popular, boisterous cheerleaders because they're all talking and being nasty to people.
Jim Burns: I can remember saying to my daughter one time in a situation not that different than yours, and I just said, "You know what? It's probably smarter for you right now not to engage." The relational EQ of your mother-in-law is not very good. So she doesn't know what a depth of relationship she could have with her daughter-in-law or even with the grandkids. She's too busy being a little goofy at it here. Sometimes you just don't engage. So if you're getting the boisterous cheerleader who was gossiping and doing all these kinds of things, what do you do with that? You just kind of, when you see the boisterous cheerleader, you say, "Hi. How are you?" and just move right in and take care of the kids and do other things and you're not engaging with her. She may see the light. You never know.
Brian Perez: Darlene, there's a couple of tip sheets that we have available. Stay on the phone and we'll send them to you. We'll also put this information in the show notes if anybody watching wants to order by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. There's one called "6 Effective Steps to Dealing with Your Button-Pusher" and another one called "10 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People." So you can get those by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Darlene, thanks for calling 1-800-229-3000. We're going to be in the studio for another hour after this hour is completed, so keep calling in to 1-800-229-3000. Jim, you mentioned jealousy during this last segment. I wrote down the word, and I noticed the word "lousy" is in the word jealousy. Unless I misspelled it, but I just found that interesting. Sometimes what starts as a way to unwind can begin to take control. Maybe it's alcohol, pills, pornography, gambling, shopping, gaming, scrolling on social media. It's become so difficult for you to control that it's affecting your relationships and your daily life, and you keep telling yourself, "This is the last time," but stopping has been harder than you expected. If that sounds like you or you're watching someone you love struggle, you're not alone. There is hope, and help is available. We've got a webinar coming up next week on addiction. It's called "From Addiction to Freedom: Biblical and Clinical Help for Lasting Recovery." So that's coming up on September 17 at 7:00 PM Central Time. It's 90 minutes, it includes 30 minutes of Q&A, and if you sign up for it today by texting the word WEBINAR to 28950, we will also send you a free tip sheet that we would love to get into your hands. So again, do that by texting WEBINAR to 28950. You can also call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or go to NewLife.com to find out more. While you're at NewLife.com, would you consider making a financial donation to help us continue doing what we've been doing for almost 40 years, and that's helping people who call into this show, who reach out to us online at NewLife.com looking for help with whatever predicament they're in, whatever situation they're going through. You can give online at NewLife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text NLM to 28950 to make a one-time gift. Back to the phones. Here is Todd, who lives in Tennessee. Welcome to New Life LIVE, Todd. How can we help you?
Guest (Male): Hello. I was just calling, I've got a daughter that's living out of wedlock, and she knows I'm not too comfortable with that, plus she's not working a whole lot and I'm having to pay her insurance on her car because I don't want her to drive with no insurance, and some other things that, you know, it's just not the life that I want her to be living.
Brian Perez: How old is she, Todd?
Guest (Male): 19.
Brian Perez: And when did she move out of your house?
Guest (Male): Probably about a year.
Brian Perez: So she's been living in this situation for a year now, and you've told her that you don't like it.
Alice Benton: Todd, how have conversations gone with her? Have you shared your faith and your concern about the choices that she's making?
Guest (Male): Yes, she's very much aware of what I don't tolerate. I've always trained them the right ways and stuff, and then when they get of age, I can't twist her arm or anything now. I always took her to church and tried to show her the right way, but it's just that now she's just out there and she's not wanting to work. She's working, but it's just like he's not even working, he's just going along with her doing some kind of delivery stuff part-time.
Alice Benton: And does she consider herself to be a believer? Did she ever as she was growing up?
Guest (Male): Oh yeah, she's been saved, made sure she was saved, and she believes, yes.
Alice Benton: And are there other things you're paying for that you're reconsidering because she's not living by your beliefs?
Guest (Male): Well, no, I'm not reconsidering it because I've got another daughter I pay for their phones because it's like on a family plan anyway, so I just pay for that. It's just the insurance that I'm—and it's expensive because she's a teenager.
Jim Burns: Todd, there's a term that a lot of us use in situations like this, and we call it "tough love." Tough love doesn't mean being mean, but what it means is allowing the circumstances of her choices as an adult, because she's a teenager at 19, she's also an adult at 19. So we call her a "late teenager" or an "emerging adult," so she's kind of in that one area. What that means is if you said, "You know what? You're an adult and I can't choose—you know how I feel, and you know I love you, so that's not even in question. However, now that you're living like an adult and you're living with this guy, I'm going to have to over the next three months kind of cut the insurance off, again, because that's what I'm going to do with all the kids as they become adults and they make adult choices and things like that." That's sometimes really helpful for her to actually have to live with the circumstances of her choices. Insurance is a good illustration because again, it's hard because you don't want her not to have insurance, but you also don't want her living with this guy either. But she has to learn because she's in a relationship where she's making an adult decision. Now I put that in quotes, because I'm not sure it's the wisest thing for her to be with this guy, especially if he's not—he doesn't have a job and on and on, plus the faith component to it. You may want to consider taking her off the insurance because she's acting like an adult. I know somebody who that was the case with school. They were actually 19 and they were going to a college and the parents were paying for the college, for the room and board, and the girl was not living at the college but she was still paying for it because she was with the boy. So they quit paying. The girl made a decision that she would rather not be in relationship with this guy and actually went back, came back, and then they kept paying. I'm not saying that's a bribe, I'm just simply saying sometimes tough love is what helps people make better decisions because they're experiencing the consequences now. Right now, you're just feeding the fuel because you're still paying for that insurance. Now, what happens if she just drives without insurance? That's horrible. And yet what is—play the movie forward, you can't take care of her and enable her for the rest of her life either when she's making poor choices like that.
Guest (Male): No, that's true, you know, I just don't want her out here driving with no insurance because it's very dangerous and something happens and then with no insurance, then she's really going to be up a creek.
Jim Burns: Well, I always say, does she know what you believe? And she does because Alice asked you and you said yes. Does she know how you feel? Yes. Then she knows you love her and she knows your values. So you don't want to always compromise your values with her too much because the bottom line is she's still going to ask the question, "Do you still love me, Dad?" And you do, even if you pulled the insurance, you still love her and you would hope that she'd make a wise decision on that insurance and figure out something else. She's 19, she is an adult by the state anyway, and you hope that she'd make a wise decision on that insurance and figure out something else. Doesn't sound like she's working super hard and he's definitely not working too hard. That may motivate them to make the move that they need to make, or make a move away as well.
Alice Benton: Todd, I'd recommend, in addition to what Jim said, that you also keep investing in relationship with her, even though you withdraw that financial support. So it'd be easy to just write this guy off—he's a jerk, he's a creep, you don't want to know anything about him. But rather than that, I want you to keep influence in her life, and that would be by asking what she likes about him. "Tell me about this guy, I want to get to know more about him." Don't just assume it's all negative, even though you might be right. Look for and ask about the positive. Todd, you should read Jim's book. It's called *When Your Adult Child Strays*. It's available in the NewLife.com store. All right, keep those calls a-coming. 1-800-229-3000. We're going to be here for another hour. Jim, you mentioned jealousy during this last segment. I wrote down the word, and I noticed the word "lousy" is in the word jealousy. Unless I misspelled it, but I just found that interesting.
Jim Burns: Well, that is interesting.
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